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I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.