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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.