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K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.