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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
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I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.