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Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."