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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
FYI: The signs that say "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn`t.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when Iām making a questionable decision for my life.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.