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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
I’m thinking there’s some type of filter that prevents normal people from like my page