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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.