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I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.