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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down."
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.