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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Will be drunk until further notice.
Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*