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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"