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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.