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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.