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The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.