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I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought Iād take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?