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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red