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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.