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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.