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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories