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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*