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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”