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Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.