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No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift