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I just called. To say. I texted you.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.