Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.