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I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Some of my best memories are naps.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"