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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.