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Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.