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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."