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My support group can outdrink your support group.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!