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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.