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OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.