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I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
Yes I am a bad boy ... But your the one that`s going to get spanked.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
it`s friday o clock
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.