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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.