Daily Silly Status

says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!

Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.

Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen

Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.

I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.

$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.

I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.

I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"

Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great

I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.

I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"