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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers