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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?