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Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.