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The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.