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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5