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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.