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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.