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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
Finally got my Bon Jovi Sat Nav working... Wooahh we`re half way there.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.