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What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.