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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
As an adult, I use nunchucks way less than I expected.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.