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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject