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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
I`ve decided to go my own way and think "inside the box" to be different ... Wow its dark in here!
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."