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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.