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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.