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It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.