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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
So can we just skip to summer now?
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
They should make Vodka ChapStick
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.