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These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Iām not fat... my stomach is 3D.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here