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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.