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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.