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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"