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Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.