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Iām cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.