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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing