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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.