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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
" I don`t watch much tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
When you`re down about your body image just type "fat people" into Google images, always makes me feel better!:)
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.