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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.