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Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.