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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?