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We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
justin bieber
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.