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The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
life is too short to match socks
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.