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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?